Syrup Suckers

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Comedian Colbert offered job at Olympic Oval
CBC News:
Olympic gold medallist Dan Jansen, left, and The Colbert Report host Stephen Colbert announce the show has become the primary sponsor of the U.S. speedskating team for the Vancouver Olympics. (Kris Long/Comedy Central/Associated Press) The city that will play host to long-track speedskating during the 2010 Winter Olympics has waded into a cross-border confrontation, offering satirical talk-show host Stephen Colbert a job for the Games — monitoring the ice time of the U.S. speedskating team.

Colbert, who recently announced he's sponsoring the cash-strapped U.S. speedskating team during the upcoming Vancouver Games, has condemned Canadians, saying they are denying the American squad ice time for training at the Olympic oval in Richmond, B.C.

On his popular TV show The Colbert Report, the comedian recently called Canadians "syrup-sucking Canadian iceholes" and urged his viewers to send in letters demanding the country cease its icehole-ish behaviour.

On the show, Colbert — who plays the part of an over-the-top right-wing talk-show host — told his viewers to include their addresses because Canadians are so polite they'll undoubtedly reply with a thank you note.

Syrup suckers respond
In response, City of Richmond spokesman Ted Townsend sent a letter of his own to Colbert's studios in New York, offering the former Daily Show correspondent an olive branch.

"Dear cousin," the letter begins, "As a proud syrup sucker, I am saddened that you would cast aspersions on Canadians as part of your otherwise laudable quest to assist the cash-strapped American speedskating team.

"We have always welcomed our friends from south of the border with open arms (well, except in 1812). In fact, we've always fondly considered you as our American 'cousins' and politely tolerated you, even when you were in an imperialistic mood."

Townsend wrote in the letter that international skaters have never been barred from the Olympic oval, though they have been asked to follow rules to get on the ice.

"You might have noticed that us syrup-suckers are big on rules and regulating things; that's how we got universal public medicare," the letter reads.

Olympic job offer
To show there are no hard feelings, Townsend, who calls himself "chief syrup sucker," has offered Colbert a position as ombudsman of treatment for U.S. speedskaters during the 2010 Games.

The city has included a pink toque with the letter, which Townsend said could be part of Colbert's uniform during the Games.

"We hope you will take us up on this offer, dear cousin," Townsend's letter reads.

"We suggest you start the training for your new position now. A good start would be to acclimatize yourself by drinking at least one litre (oops, sorry, make that a quart, I forgot that you Americans don't do metric) of radiator anti-freeze fluid per day."

CBC News's Vancouver sports anchor Shane Foxman has also issued a challenge of his own to Colbert — for a speedskating race on the ice at the Olympic Oval. So far Colbert has not responded to the challenge.